In The Thick Of It

as I look back on my passionate 20s

Who are you fighting?
What are you fighting for?

An answer in the form of a question, delivered to me at the end of a shower.  The word fight isn’t a usual part of my vocabulary, so immediately the message stood out. A cold plunge into a pool of clarity. 

Let me back up. I am a girl of many eras. 

I’ve come to embrace this, rather than see it as a weakness. There exists within me a constant push and pull between what I think I want to do next and what I should actually be seeing through. You could say I channeled rabbit energy for my twenties, flinging myself from one passion to the next. I’d spend every waking hour crocheting rugs from scrap materials found in goodwills, then I’d realize the cost to ship these heavy pieces was crazy and give up. 

Onto the next! 

There was always something that would appeal to my little bunny nose and off I’d be, hopping down a new trail full of conviction. 

Writing is the first thing that’s really soothed my rabbit tendencies. Not to get all meta, but having the routine of this newsletter has forced me to consistently consider the rougher edges of existence. I’m used to keeping this stuff close to my chest, because it’s all felt too hard to explain. Pouring myself into words makes the process of vulnerability more sustainable. It’s less about self-flagellating not to feel something, more about healing while gently feeling. 

This is all fairly new to me. I spent about 10 years working in jobs that had nothing to do with creativity. I was a retail girl, hostess, a server, an office manager. I supported my family when my dad fell ill, switching to nights at a busy restaurant so I could make better tips. I’d left no energy for myself. In an effort to bridge my hardworking attitude and creative tendencies, I started working in the Art Department on shorts and music videos. It was exhilarating, I felt like everything finally made sense. But time did what time does and I started to wonder if I had the stamina for set life. My sweat would always be for someone else’s vision and I couldn’t really square that. 

After some consideration, I hopped away again. I leaned further into writing. My relationship with writing felt steady and a bit seductive. There was a shimmering excitement that tints all new things. 

In showing up again and again, I’ve noticed that the sparkle has worn off. Some days feel like I’m walking into a medieval tournament. I have to put on the helmet, mount the horse and go through a few rounds of internal jousting before I can get into the days work. 

Back when I was working at jobs I hated, I thought if could just quit and be creative, all my problems would vanish. Like a pain free lobotomy. Turns out lobotomies aren’t a cure for a delusional woman and neither is being a full-time creative. But the sensation I feel now, in the thick of a hard day compared the sensations back then are totally different. Instead of wanting to flee, I want to drill deeper. 

The first time I noticed the inner duel, I was like lol, that’s cute, now stop! I thought it might go away if I just realized it was happening. A temporary brawl at a house party. Kiss and make up, let’s turn the music back on!

Imagine my horror when the duel started up again, this time more quiet. Insidious fighting, disguised as a teacher. I listened. I thought, maybe I shouldn’t be doing this stuff, or I should at least put it off until until until. Wait a little longer. And a little longer. It’s not good enough. Are you sure you’re ready?

When I finally figured out that this was a sneaky voice of doubt, I felt betrayed. I left the stability of an hourly wage for this life of uncertain artistic enterprise! And you do this to me? What is this?!

If I’m going to keep going, I need to wake up everyday and accept that the fight might appear. I need to accept that it is familiar. It always has been. Once I can stop pushing it away, I can actively watch its movements. If something is important to me, the voice goes for it like a heat seeking missile. That’s my cue to double down. 

The notion of leaving something when it’s hard has become very popular. Quit your job! Become a digital nomad and live the best life imaginable. Never feel sad because you can just go somewhere else!

There are people for whom travel is the ultimate calling. I celebrate them. I too want to take a dip in Iceland’s hot springs. But the proliferation of this message can lead us to ditch anything difficult. If we can always swipe right on some new life, why chose to commit to one? Especially when anything we stick with goes through seasons. Are we willing to endure winter and come out better during the spring? 

For most of 2021 and a lot of 2022, I harnessed the phrase “ease is my north star”. I utilized it as a counter for the overworking part of my personality. I wanted to root my life in the belief that things could flow and I might even be able to channel that flow. 

In living a life of ease, do I part with whatever challenges me? Or do I accept that everything grows into a reflection of ourselves. The shine wears off and we’re left looking the same being, maybe in a different format.

If we’re working off the theory that challenges exist even when we’re doing what’s in flow, how do we decipher what’s worth working through and what’s worth letting go? (asking for a rabbit)

I’ve been rolling this concept over and over in my mind. Trying to decipher the logical answer through pure emotion can be tough. I started looking for words that might be a vessel for intuition. The best logic actually leads toward a feeling. Clarity lands as the words find a way to embrace the wide open sky of our being. 

Slowly and then all at once, a shape formed, drawn together by a few familiar words. 

Who are you fighting?
What are you fighting for?

Battle asks us to be mentally equipped. When the body begins to falter or when fear overtakes thought, the answers remind you to keep going. That is, if you find your opponent worthy and the prize worth winning. If you feel like you’re just shadow boxing old paradigms, then it’s time to get out of the ring.

The answers can change. The barometer must be read over and over. 

Besides, there’s always another battle, why spend your time fighting the wrong one.

That’s all for today.

xx
James

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