hair metal and me

this isn't really about hair metal don't worry

today is one of those days that I kind of wish I could fast forward–that statement is totally NOT mindful or an example of *~being in the now~* 

but alas it is true!!! and alas we can’t fast forward days, so I’m gonna fully throw myself into this experience and take you all with me. 

a bit of backstory: my boyfriend and I live in a little apartment above the garage of a house. while there’s a lot of things we love about the place, we both need more room. not to mention back in October, a home gym was erected in the garage underneath us. the tenants have turned out to be very dedicated to their workout routine and we spend a lot of our days listening to weight clanking, muscle grunting and 80’s hair metal. 

it’s really the hair metal that drove me to the edge. 

we began looking for places two months ago and recently found a spot really nearby that we love. it’s a 1930’s triplex with central AC (!!!). our unit sticks out from the rest of the building like the bow of a ship. it feels like a little house. it is Dream Apartment.

we applied, I even went back for a second time to meet the elderly couple who owned the property. they seemed overwhelmed with applicants. so I reached out to their son who is overseeing the rental process, hoping to get a sense of our place in the applicant pool for Dream Apartment. he was super nonchalant on the phone and gave me a vague notion that we’d hear back in 24 hours. well that was 24 hours ago. literally. 

and I cannot help but feel...nervous? thus the desire for a fast forward button that would take me to the moment when I receive that all important call. 

but right now you have me in the moment of anticipation. while I can’t stand the feeling of anticipation, I love actively working to dismantle the power that it carries. 

ANTICIPATION: implies a prospect or outlook that involves advance suffering or enjoyment of what is foreseen

does this sound familiar? 

even advance enjoyment can actually turn into further suffering, when you create expectations that reality cannot fulfill. when the real moment arrives, it seems more hollow than what your mind was able to create in its fantasy. 

the rarest and best occasions are when you experience something wonderful for the first time and you have zero context to create an idealized version beforehand. 

a moment of pure freedom, untouched by nostalgia.

currently, I’m oscillating between advance suffering and advance enjoyment. one minute my stomach feels like a pit and the next minute that pit is filled with butterflies.  

as with any emotion, the first big step is recognizing what’s happening.

turn off the smoke machine and look directly in the mirror. 

24 hours later...
hello I’m back, 

I ended up walking away from writing because I realized my thoughts were getting a little too much air time and becoming more and more consuming.

in these moments when the mind is swirling with energy,
a special chain of events is beginning:

body supports mind with energy, 
mind is fueled, 
thoughts are fueled, 
mind thinks it can solve the problem alone, 
instead the mind is pre-suffering with anticipation
the body kicks it into overdrive to provide energy to the brain 
and the brain returns the favor with physical manifestations of anxiety, 
together, the mind and body feel anxiety,
the minds like, oh my god are we anxious now? I must not be in control??
finally the body becomes exhausted, because the mind was never in control.

and then I take a nap in the middle of the afternoon even though I historically do not nap.

ok this is all to say that I too, am human. 
once I woke up from my nap, I gained a bit of perspective. 
clearly, I had been brought to my knees and thankfully I slept. sluggish but more grounded, I pulled myself out of bed and into 40 minutes of cardio–shout out blogilates! 

with every squat jump, I made a choice to stay present in the exercise and not allow my mind to drift off into another anticipation spiral. in this space of cardio induced clarity, My Phrase came back to me. you may have heard me talk about it on Illusion Pod, but when I get worked up, it can escape me. 

everything is always working out for me

this is an affirmation of trust, in the midst of the unknown. 

it’s a form of surrender: you might not get exactly what you want in this very moment. but it’s all unfolding in the way that is best for you. 

it’s a big statement.

calling upon it can sometimes feel ingenuous, especially when you’re in a real crisis (one beyond what I’m currently experiencing). but I can honestly tell you that I’ve held this phrase tight to my heart in the hardest terrible moments. sometimes it doesn’t make sense to say, but it’s better than allowing the mind to go crazy. and the little mind will run itself (and your body) ragged trying to figure out all the big BIG what ifs. 

I encourage you to find a phrase (or adopt this one) that you will take with you for years to come. 

how do you create a bond with a phrase?
growing up, my mom was big on leaving notes. 
post-it squares, notebook pages and photo spreads torn from magazines covered the walls, appliances, mirrors of my family’s one bedroom apartment. 
the note’s themes were vast in range and changed day to day, but affirmations and phrases were a constant. 

don’t be shy, leave yourself some reminders. put them on your phone!

here are two phone backgrounds, for anyone who might want: one bold, one casual. you should be able to hold your finger on the image and save it right onto your phone! the texture is lichen covering stone riverbank that I hiked on my birthday last week.

because when you’re really in IT, like I was 24 hours ago, you might not remember what you need the most. 

as I write this now, I still haven’t heard back from Dream Apartment. 
life goes on! the world didn’t end. 

this morning I toured four new places, all while holding firm in a grounded perspective. it really all came back to me when I remembered My Phrase that invokes the energy of everything that I believe. 

thank you for coming along with me for this ride,
here’s to everything working out for you and me :) 

xx
James