I’m writing this from the sunny back porch, where Joey is sunning herself a few feet away. The wind is rattling the gate but so far the sun is winning. I’m welcoming April with open arms, after one of the longest Marches on record. Getting sick mid-month really pulled time like taffy. Both the seasonal crossfade and the jump from 29 to 30 felt like a lot. Now I feel lucky to have a fresh start.
This week’s Judaism class was the best yet—half the people were absent and the Rabbi was in top performer mode. We discussed the two forms of Jewish prayer: Keva and Kavanah. He explained that Keva is structured, where written prayers are recited throughout the day and specific times. Kavanah is free flowing, like a conversation or meditation with the divine. It’s all about intention, rather than fixed form. He mentioned something that I found paradoxical: many Jews find themselves more comfortable with Keva, but at the same time there’s a language barrier with the Hebrew.
Kavanah as a concept is very familiar to me, it’s how I would classify a lot of my divine interactions. It’s affirming to see the connections between my personal practice and centuries old ritual.
We’re going to Passover Seder at the synagogue on Thursday—my first Seder! Last year I set an intention to be invited to a Seder, but I couldn’t have predicted I’d be going to a Temple and actually studying. Life is funny. Where will I be in another year? To what lengths will this exploration take me? Going forward, how much will I incorporate these practices into my life?
Already it’s been a trippy and valuable experience, I’m finding sides of myself connected to a larger framework of ritual and knowledge. It feels powerful in a way I wasn’t expecting and I can’t yet articulate. I suppose that’s the point of taking a leap like this. The unknown is every variable in the equation.
I’m submitting to a writing fellowship this week, so I’ve been going through my work to stitch together a sample. I don’t usually go back to read my past work, combing through my old sentences has brought back specific sense memories. Lots of writing on the dining table in the old place or scrambling to put my thoughts together after visiting the temple in Bulgaria. Writing some of the pieces made me quite emotional and re-reading them now gives me a sense of closure.
Whatever happens with this specific application, I’ll have a packet I can send off to other fellowships and workshops. After I finish the Judaism class, I’m on the lookout for another course or something to add shape to my schedule. Committed learning is in.
I’m making a stew tonight, I’ll call my parents while I prep the ingredients. Having something to do with my hands keeps me grounded during those convos. And cooking for myself always feels good. Chopping each garlic clove, peeling the onion paper, spreading the pot with oil, I love every step. When I worked in restaurants, I never really cooked because there was always staff meal. You couldn’t predict what it would be, but it was free. My cabinet in the shared kitchen was just chips, granola and chocolate. I didn’t even think I could cook! Again, life is funny.
I can hear a marching band somewhere in the distance. I wonder if I’m missing out on a school carnival. What I wouldn’t give to ride on a pop up ferris wheel or zip down a jumbo slide. Today feels very smooth brained. This morning I opened the windows and swept the floors. The sun pours into this house and I feel full like a balloon.
Here’s to a new month, I hope we all get the energy we need from it.
xx
James