Wow—I cannot describe how wildly different my state of mind is today compared to the swirl it was while I was writing last week’s dispatch.
Way back when, all those days ago, I was swimming in a sea of what-ifs, riding waves of sleep deprivation with spotty success. I funneled all my energy into not letting my thoughts spiral. Trying to sit within the observer’s point of view, reaching for the knowledge that everything eventually comes to pass.
Still, unknowns weighed on me: will being in a new country throw everything off? Will I ever sleep again or will jet lag overtake me? Where does one eat? Why didn’t I spend more time learning Spanish on that app? What good was my high school Spanish except for the singular experience of having the Swedish exchange student, Viktor, tell me there was a mascara smudge on my eyelid? Why is that smudge always there, where do I go wrong in my make-up application process? Why must the U.S. education system fail us again and again?
Once I got on the plane, everything became so much easier. I worked for three hours, slept for almost two—huge! We got to the hotel easily and I immediately fell asleep for 6 hours (a big no no for beating jet lag) but I brought a CBD/melatonin concoction that helped me and Chris fall asleep the first night and we’ve been on a pretty good schedule ever since.
Barcelona is 9 hours ahead of Los Angeles ! I had focussed on what that time difference meant for my sleep schedule, but didn’t think about how it would impact my communication with others. Much of my waking hours are spent when everyone I know is asleep. At home I’ll usually call my Dad or phone a friend throughout the day to check-in with other forms of life, but now I am very much in my own headspace.
Even the internet is out of sync with my day: people are living-laughing-loving on an entirely different schedule!
Surprisingly, this hasn’t resulted in feeling isolation, but having more brain space. The internet doesn’t hold as much power, because the updates don’t feel as exciting if they’re not in real time. I’m surprised by how much I can do in a single day, especially because over here we eat dinner anywhere from 8:00-10:00 pm.
Living in this temporary space sheds light on what is truly essential: what work, thoughts, actions, pleasure.
A long time ago I went to a therapist, who introduced the idea of essentialism. She was a specialist supporting family members of cancer patients. It was a free service offered at the hospital and I got really lucky with the person I was randomly assigned. Let’s call her Lucy.
Lucy seemed to be in her early thirties, wore cute patterned cardigans and had a casual but deeply compassionate demeanor. Our sessions started with pretty predictable topics, mainly discussing the effects my Dad’s cancer had on my life. Quickly our focus shifted to all the relationships that were falling apart as a result of this crisis. Then she became a break up counselor, literally passing me tissues as I cried over my then boyfriend.
I think Lucy got a lot more than she bargained for when she landed me as a patient. But I like to think my issues resembled an HBO MAX show. Drama but also comedy and some edge (organizing DIY art shows). I hope my relationship problems offered a small respite from what I can only imagine was a schedule full of very harrowing sessions. In our time together she became my main counselor for all things: boys, friends and career insecurity with a dash of mortal dread over my Dad’s condition.
As a 24-year-old navigating Typical Twenties Things and being a primary caregiver for two disabled parents, she recognized a lot of my issues stemmed from the fact that I was overwhelmed. Mental clarity felt like a pipe dream.
Shortly before our time together ended, she gave me a great book recommendation called Essentialism. It spoke of a streamlined life, one where we came to understand what was important to us and gave our full attention to those things.
Part of what I had to accept was the fact that this period of my life was me in caretaker mode. It was essential. I was still able to work a full time job and help assemble a pop-up film fest, but I couldn’t do it all.
Often, moments of crisis will demand your full attention, but then there are times where you can train your focus on whatever important things call to you. I like to call upon the Essentialist mindset the midst of transitions, as a way to organize my thoughts. It can be very tricky to move out of caretaker or crisis mode into discernment mode. This is when you figure out the life you want to lead. This usually requires some trial and error, taking on too much, learning what works in the moment and then slowly pairing down.
Accepting that you cannot do it all can be so uncomfortable. It was really terrible for me at first. But now I love calling upon Essentialism and do so frequently. I even brought it up on my first actual date with Chris! True hot girl shit.
In many ways Essentialism is the antithesis of today’s internet infused society, where more is never enough. The constant stream of the internet says you should be doing and doing, to hopefully show something so you can be someone.
Essentialism asks,
What are you really called to invest your time and energy in?
What do you really need to be doing to take the next step?
How can you say no to make space for the true yes?
Are you overworking without actually nurturing?
Eventually my time with Lucy came to a close. Actually, her internship ended! It seems I was so distraught during our first visit when we went through the basics, I must have missed the part where she explained it was all part of her internship. But truly, who cares, she was the absolute best. If I could have, I would have given her a degree on the spot for all that she did.
I saw her in the plant section of Home Depot a couple years later and I got a chance to express some of the gratitude I felt, but it was a little awkward, like seeing someone in a dream. Plus I didn’t want to get in the way of her plant selection process. It’s a delicate situation, deciding which plant you welcome into your home.
Lucy if you’re out there, you absolutely saved me. Thank you.
Anyway, as I was writing this piece, my next door hotel neighbor walked onto the patio to Facetime with a guy. They conversed for a while in Spanish, then switched into English.
I heard her say, I just want to make dinner, drink great wine and have amazing sex. That’s all I want. Alone time with you. Can I have that?
And that, I thought, That. is. Essentialism.
Okay I think that’s all for today.
xx
James
P.S.
Upon googling “Essentialism” to find the author’s name, I discovered that unfortunately the title shares a name with an outdated philosophy that leads to problematic systems of thought. So if you’re interested in reading the whole book, look up Essentialism by Greg McKeown.
Those essentialism questions… pure solid gold! Thank you James, will definitely be looking up McKeown’s book.