Before I forget: this Saturday the 18th I will be leading a meditation as part of a Yule ceremony up in Santa Cruz! I am so honored to be part of this evening at Eothen Circle, Katie is the first person to carry the guide in her shop!
If you’re in the area I would love to have you, it is sure to be a lovely time.
I’m longing for this one snowy creek in Idyllwild that I visited last January.
My grandparents used to live in Idyllwild and I have a single memory of them there: my grandfather trudging across the snow, leading us grandchildren. Couldn’t tell you where. The more I revisit that image, the more I think it’s actually a fictional piece of nostalgia, patches of stories stitched in with threads of imagination.
Real or imagined, returning to that place after so many years gave me a funny feeling. One of finding an old side of family, with a shade of understanding that age affords you. Taking the world into my own perspective, the freshness that comes from choosing to be in a place.
While I know I am missing Idyllwild’s snowy river bank, I think internal space is what I’m actually seeking. I’m back to fantasizing about leaving the city, climbing into a little home and hosting monthly dinner parties for those who wish to escape the various industries and sun baked concrete sprawl.
Creating space that can be shared, space for restoration and nurturing being with nowhere to be.
Space and stillness.
Stopping time on purpose.
Welcoming in nothingness.
After doing a couple rounds of personalized meditations, I noticed a fair amount of people’s struggles stem from feeling stagnant or stuck. This leads to a general feeling of failure, a spiral of critical thoughts and usually more floating in a frozen void. Rather than finding stillness, there is a constant treading of water, in the hopes of keeping above uncertainty.
I know this feeling well. Often it occurs when we lack control of our surrounding circumstances. We attempt to fix things by going down one track for so long, playing by the rules of the external. We lose the voice that comes from the internal.
For many years I had a narrative of how things would change for me. I expected the world around me to change, before I changed myself. It wasn’t out of laziness, it was a lack of confidence in my own ability. I felt squeezed by finances, supporting my parents came first at that time and I spent lots of my days dreaming. Opportunities would arise and I would let them pass because they weren’t quite right.
Eventually I took a wide swing and started taking new jobs, working double time, triple time to get out of the mud. Ending up earning less money than my already slim paycheck, but aiming for more purpose. I can’t say I had a specific direction, other than changing the feeling, finding my version of meaning.
Since reading those personal meditation questionnaires, I realized a lot of us reach this point. There is something more, but it feels a world away.
Stillness vs. Stagnation
Stuck and Still are very different. Sometimes we need to stop treading for a second and slip below the surface. Set an intention. Stop looking and start listening. This can guide stuckness into stillness.
Stuck implies a resistance, there are forces keeping you in one place. You’re either trying to push back against something that appears immovable or confront something that is moving you further in a direction you don’t like.
Stuck in a job, stuck in a relationship, stuck in an environment.
It feels active but out of your control.
Stillness is another form entirely.
It is engaging the path of least resistance.
It is an opening rather than a closing.
It is centering to direct.
When I meditate on Stillness, I always find the same sensation in my physical and energetic body. For the past couple weeks I’ve mulled over how to describe it and the image finally came to me.
The image of an atom. We are the nucleus and electrons travel around us. The electrons orbit us and come into contact with other atoms. We share and exchange electrons. Over time we form elements and get bigger and bigger.
From the smallest center, the energy builds and grows.
All from the atom, the picture of Stillness and Flow.
If something isn’t working, give yourself time to center before swapping out energies with other forces. I’d argue that nothing is better than doing something without intention. When you find it, doubts will clear and purpose will align.
Even if you can’t fully articulate your driving force with words, there’s a feeling you must follow, one that feels attached to a larger flow state.
When in doubt, remember the atom.
We would be nothing without it.
That’s all for today.
P.S.
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