It’s been 11 days since I went off Instagram—I needed a moment to recalibrate as we shift into a new cycle. I’ve taken IG breaks before, usually because I feel ungrounded. It’s something of a last resort. First, I hold on to physical space and linear time when I want to root back into my center. I stay in, take slower walks, find a routine. That way I can keep the world of social media at my finger tips, fueling the small monetary gains and (hopefully) reaching many people at once with my ideas.
This time, I realized the sensation of center I needed wouldn’t be found solely in routines. I might be able to carve the outline, but I wanted more than that. What’s more transportive than your online crutch? Instagram, Tik Tok, Twitter, you know the usual suspects. We spend our time jumping from life to life, body snatching, mind hunting, shadow boxing. It can be great, it can be necessary, but it also can be ungrounding. To quote a friend’s concise response to my rambling about taking a break: yeah I have so many bitches in my head right now.
The girls that get it, get it. Especially as one year closes and another begins, I think time deserves more of my attention.
In the eleven days, I’ve felt little pull to see what’s happening to my social media friends. My break coincided with a bout of covid, which would have been a great opportunity to blank-stare-scroll, but we got through it with no IG distraction.
So I’ve missed out on the tradition of swiping endlessly through the digital parade of old photos in the shape of a yearly recap. Strangers, near strangers and a few true friends, we get a glimpse of their 12 months in 10 photos. We can’t just pick one image from every month. There’s a cruelty baked into the edit. We all must sacrifice our memories, we must condense our emotions to fit the format. I’m endlessly amused by this ritual. We’ve set aside so many forms of communal processing, because it isn’t chic to do things like sacrifice young lovers into the mouth of volcanoes. But we still have this urge to gather round and tell a story to our fellow man. Ritual finds a way, no matter what.
So we shave off bits of detail our elaborate yearly experience, whittling down the shape until it fits within the 10 photo format. It’s tough, but I am endlessly amused by the results.
Some cope with this challenge by sticking to a theme like “lover” “cat” “travel” “bffs”. Or you can highlight an aspect of your coveted lifestyle with a look at the details: off kilter images of streaked Euro windows and high lux packaging all undone. Holding us at an arms length, you declare it’s easy to love me, if only you only knew me.
My favorite recap contains a reveal. This could be on purpose, like a surprise baby (hard to pull off but it happens). Usually the reveal is unintentional, because the magnetic force of the algorithm hasn’t drawn me to a certain person’s content in a while. Suddenly I’m finding out this person who I totally forgot about is now dating a NEW person. They seem in love, they’re camping together and now I really care about the whole story. I also care about the previous partner, so I’m doing a little bit of detective action to find an old photo that might lead me to their profile. Seems like the previous partner hasn’t found someone new…but they did move to a farm? Did that contribute to the break up? Long distance is so hard. Was the relationship cut short by circumstance? Ugh what’s done is done.
Ouf that was a lot of work and NOW I’m just thinking about an old flame that wasn’t even mine to snuff out.
It’s a lot, but maybe that’s the point of communal ritual. To feel and feel and feel until their emotions become ours. We’re flooded, underwater, until the waves of joy and heartbreak swirl into one. There is no separation, we cannot exist without each other.
So maybe I am missing out on the 2023 recap. But the least I can do is share my own, in my own way. Our one sun. After a motion-filled year, I was trying to find a thread between the places I’ve been—physically and mentally.
Thanks to Boyfriend, I was able to see Rome and Tuscany, Tokyo and more. Thanks to a winning rental collab between Boyfriend and my bff Gabi, I was able to spend a lot of time in New York. I started a small line of crochet bags, which sold out every time and made me question where I put my creative energy. I wrote a lot…and then stopped when the bags took off. Again, the creative energy came into question. A big part of my IG break is to find my writing voice again. Overall, the year brought me into a new understanding of self-respect. I had to let some relationships go and work to shift my place in other relationships that felt worth the work. Peeling away layers of people pleasing tendencies is a fucking process. I’ve always “liked” myself, so I didn’t think about self-respect. But this was the year I realized how important that distinction is. You can like yourself and still prioritize others needs before your own. When you’re stuck in a people pleasing mode, it might even make you like yourself even more, because you think you’re being a “good” person. Digging myself out of that hole has been hard, especially after a lifetime of people pleasing. But every ounce of self-respect that I gain is priceless.
Thank you for sticking around for me during this wild year. I’m looking forward to getting back to my writing routine and delivering more consistently here. This newsletter really is my favorite thing I do. Sometimes things need to be shaken up to see what holds and I feel grateful it’s been a year of good shakes.
As I was saying…here is a recap of 2023, through our one sun. If you follow me on instagram, you know it’s a favorite subject of mine. What better way to honor our one sun than to make it the main character of my year?
This is the first sunset of 2023. I made this my screensaver, with the words: New Year, No Reaction, More Love In Every Action. At the time, I really needed that reminder, but I think it’s an evergreen mantra.
Another sunset, this time overlooking London. I spent most of this trip in the hotel bar making vision boards for the year. I returned to the Tate Museum with the intention of just getting a mug for Boyfriend’s Mom, but I ended up spending one of the best days wandering super slow through every gallery. Nothing beats going to a museum without any plan.
Okay so I turned 30 on March 23rd of this year. This is the ONLY picture I have of the March sun, which I find very telling. In my defense, it was super cloudy gloomy that month, but I was feeling the weight. I stopped listening to podcasts shortly before my birthday (I’m back to pods but not in the addictive way I used to). In the No Pod Silence, I was very conflicted about how to celebrate my birthday. It wasn’t really the grand moment of 30 that scared me, but the external experience that freaked me out. The day ended up being perfect: Gabi took me to a spa, then we got cake slices from Erewhon, went home and ate the best edibles and laughed uncontrollably while on the phone with my parents.
Look at that beautiful photo. This is exactly how April felt. Soft, clear, luminous. I started finding a groove with writing, expanding the idea of a book that I’m working on. After rainy March, everything was lush green and it felt like the world was on my wave length.
May was half routine, half travel. Boyfriend shot a feature so I was home alone a lot, writing and vibing. Then Boyfriend went to Rome for a job and I tagged along. I will say Rome is magical, especially if you go during the rainy season. It wasn’t crowded and we were able to wander with ease. Then we drove into the countryside and got stuck on an estate, owned by a couple who we’d never met before. It was surreal but I’m glad it happened—here’s the full piece on that trip.
Wow JUNE how’d we get here so fast? This is Venice beach, my favorite beach in the world. I lived in Venice from ages 22-25 and I would walk here to commune with these waves, rain or shine. It was church but better. June was when the year really started to take shape. I started getting a hint of what it really means to show up for myself. Letting some people go to make space for myself. It was easy and hard, which is how you know it’s right.
July felt like a reward for the growth of June. It was my first time camping—my friend got a last minute spot at the most beautiful spot in Big Sur. Waking up to the sunrising over the crashing ocean is unreal. I really can’t wait to go back.
I took this pic during the 8.8 portal — this was the day I launched the Moss Bags and the day we booked tickets to New York for apartment hunting. August was A LOT. It changed everything. We got a place in New York after the first day of looking. The Moss Bags showed me I could make something that people really like and are willing to buy. It was a really new feeling for me. August was destabilizing but in a good way. I’m learning to ride that.
I took this photo in LA. After a few weeks in the density of New York, I was shocked by how much sky you get here. September……I was in New York for a lot of it. I got the chance to celebrate Gabi’s birthday in the city which was so meaningful and magical. I also got to do my first live reading of my writing. Then Boyfriend got a job in Japan, so I flew from NY (15 hours?) to meet him for a few days in Kochi and Tokyo. It was such a sweet trip, rarely do I get to spend so much time with Boyfriend when he isn’t working on a job. We had a free spot to stay and we just wandered without any rush. It wasn’t a crazy Tokyo experience but it was exactly what I needed.
Ok so technically this isn’t a sun, but I don’t have any suns for October. This is my emotional sun—does that make sense? lol Octoberrrr was more Moss Bags, more New York. We went to see a friend in Michigan, we got clobbered by rain. I learned how hard it is to juggle consuming two creative projects with any form of personal life.
NOVEMBER you get three suns, because it was so much. First, Gabi in Barcelona. Our first time being outside of the U.S. together. We had 48 hours in Spain but it was one of the highlights of my year. I’m so lucky to have her in my life.
Sunrise at Newark Airport, right after we spent 10 days in Poland. I realized in Poland that I needed to get grounded in my own shit again. Turns out you can have enough adventure! But I loved this moment in the airport with Boyfriend and our One Sun.
Ok so after Poland we went to Costa Rica. After four years of dating, I’ve never met Boyfriend’s Dad. Boyfriend’s Dad invited us to Costa Rica for Thanksgiving. As an only child, I usually spend every holiday with my parents. But this was an extra special thing, so I made an exception. The morning after we arrived, I came down with a terrible flu and spent the entire trip in bed. This sun was from a few hours on a boat, just before the symptoms hit. It was my first time on a boat and I was SO excited. I’ve always wanted to be in the open ocean. Miles from shore, I started to get terrible chills. We were out there all day and I didn’t tell anyone. We were literally at sea. When we got back to the hotel, I collapsed into a fevered sleep, talking aloud for hours. I’m ok now, but wow. NOVEMBER.
I just stepped outside to find the sun. It’s really always here and I love that for us. Here’s to another year of One Suns. If you’re looking for a process to help close out the year and start 2024, I highly recommend this podcast with Rachel Brathen. I don’t listen to her regular pods, but I did this ritual last year and it was SO helpful. I can’t wait to do it again.
Thank you again for a wonderful 2023. Cheers to sharing another year in 2024.
xx
James
love it and wow that Cost Rica sunshine is 😍
I missed your writing. Also-
“Holding us at an arms length, you declare it’s easy to love me, if only you only knew me.” Just, damn. That’s some good ass writing. Happy new year! A beautiful share!